This is the pitch for a television commercial that you will never, ever see, written strictly for my own sake.  If you should find it tasteless, irreverent, and offensive, I’ll consider it a successful tribute to the cartoonists murdered in Paris last week.  

We open inside a newspaper office, where two cartoonists are racing to get their offensive, satirical drawings of Muhammad to print. Voice-over explains that each works for a different publisher, one of which uses a slower, less efficient publishing software, the other of which uses cloud-based Brand X.

Both cartoonists are startled by the muffled sound of gunshots elsewhere in the building. They both begin working faster, as the voice-over explains the benefits of running your company with the Brand X program.

The occasional gunshots grow louder and nearer. The Brand X cartoonist is clearly finishing his work and gathering his things to leave. His rival is frantically tossing crumpled papers into the trash and typing away at two different computers on his desk.

The gunshots seem to be just outside the door now. The Brand X cartoonist gathers his jacket and briefcase and slips out the emergency exit, while his rival is desperately tapping away at his computer, beads of sweat now visible across his face.

The Brand X cartoonist tiptoes back in, grabs his hat from the desk, and makes his getaway.

As soon as he’s gone, we hear the off-camera sound of a door bursting open. The rival cartoonist looks up, his eyes go wide, and with a rat-a-tat-tat of gunfire, we cut to black.

Over black, a title:

#JesuisBrandX